CYCLING AND SOBIETY

In this article I am going to finally attempt to explain my experience with substance abuse, and how cycling helped me through a dark time when life seemed to grind to a second by second pace during the initial months of recovery.

So the first thing I am going to say is keep in mind as you read this, at this point in my life I have been sober for 2 years. Every single aspect in my life has improved dramatically since I have quit. However, I am going to be brutally honest because when I went through the beginning stages of sobriety, I did not have a single person who I could talk or relate to on what was going to happen, and for how long it was going to happen as a result of quitting. Now my addiction was alcohol and I say this as a backdrop to my experience as most of the people who I attended an outpatient program with similar to AA  were at the program for drug abuse and more specifically opiates.

Rather then go through the whole story on how I got to the point where I made the decision to quit drinking for good, I am going to start with where I was at when I made my decision to quit. I had been drinking an extreme amount of alcohol for about 8 years daily before I got to my breaking point. In addition I had drunk heavily from the age of about 16 years old. At the point that I could no longer take drinking anymore I was drinking at least the equivalent of four pints of 100 proof vodka daily with other drinks mixed in. In the months leading up to quitting if I did not drink I would;  vomit in the morning, had shaking in my hands, extreme fatigue, a racing heart, cold sweats, and in the final days was having the feeling that I could loose consciousness and was concerned I may have a seizure. It took everything in my physical power to walk to my hospital bed the day I checked into the local Emergency Room to detox, and I was near an actual heart attack. At one point I remember looking at the two nurses taking my vitals, and asked if I was going to code to which they said “your going to be OK” with a unconvincing look on their faces, at which point I continued to pray. I was then put on a drug to reduce my heart rate and given a “GI cocktail” as they called it to counteract the effects on my stomach. Flash a couple of hours later, because of the drugs I was put on, I was given the false hope that I had gone through the detox because I had never detoxed before. I spoke to a member of AA that they had come in to the hospital to talk to me about where to go from detox, and was released back into the real world. At this point it was getting into the afternoon, my son had a football practice, and I went thinking that it was all over and I just had to stay away from alcohol and go to AA. That’s where the false hope comes in. As the afternoon became evening and the drugs the hospital gave me began to wear off, my heart rate went rapidly back up, and I found myself on my way back to the ER. This time I was allowed to stay overnight so that I could be better monitored, and I honestly had what I would describe as the most peaceful sleep I can ever remember having. When I woke up, for the first time in over ten years I was hungry for breakfast. So by this point I was cleared again by the hospital, but felt much more cautious about my optimism for the road ahead of me. I rested at home in my bed, and by the grace of god had my first meeting with the psychologist of the outpatient program that I volunteered for. I say by the grace of god because as time went on for the first 24 hours my anxiety was becoming unbearable. When I met the doctor, she took my blood pressure and it was so high that she put me on medication on the spot to relieve my anxiety. I do not know to this day what would have happened if she did not do that for me. Once I was stabilized on a medication, I did not have an easy road with anxiety by any means, but I did finally feel like my heart was not going to explode, and that was one hell of a great first step. After these first 24 hours, things progressed but for about a week it seemed as if every second of my day was a struggle in regards to my anxiety. I had anxiety attacks, and while I did not curl up and start crying, I did curl up and get to know God better. Now besides taking anti anxiety medication, there was one thing that I looked forward to more then anything during these first two weeks. Anonymous Meetings. These meetings are crucial, and it truly was the one place I could go and let go of everything and relax. I can not explain it, because even waiting in the lobby for my meeting to begin while another one was wrapping up I had anxiety that was overwhelming. But by knuckling down, and walking into that room I instantly felt a burden was lifted and knew I was with people from all walks of life in the exact same place as myself.

So where does cycling intersect with my journey from alcoholic, to avid cyclist, and how it was my best form of medicine? When someone quits a destructive addiction, the addictive personality doesn’t just magically vanish with the addiction. I will say that anything in excess, even cycling is unhealthy mentally at the very least. However quitting substance abuse is a step by step process and if one is focusing on staying away from a substance and has the impulse to do something on an obsessive level, then exercise is one of the best things to put energy towards. The reason I chose cycling specifically was a calculated decision based on more then just liking cycling from my youth. My first reason was because not only could I exercise, but I could literally get some where doing it. My second reason was that I knew that next to running, it was one of the best forms of cardio that a person can do without the impact on the body especially the knees (swimming is also a great alternative). Third, aside from the cost of a decent bicycle, which I already owned one, it was free. You don’t need a membership. Cycling also gets the individual out of their house, and into a solitary place, where most people in recovery need time in to reflect on where they were and where they are going looking forward. I will admit that I never had an insane urge to drink again after my first 24 hours, as I had vowed to never get myself that close to death again from drinking. I can say that if you had the urge to use again then I know that the endorphins released from cycling would help relieve that desire, and as cycling takes time it will distract you from those feelings. What cycling did provide me in a similar manner of endorphins was the release of stress and anxiety. There was not a ride that I went on when I felt like I was going to explode, where I did not find myself with a huge grin at some point on my face, thanking god for a second chance to be a better person, letting go, and just taking in the surroundings before me.

In closing, I would like to say that if you are addicted to a substance, and cycling seems far away, it can be done. You have to want to quit the substance, and build an impenetrable resolve. You need to find something positive to do in the place of the substance. Exercise worked for me, but if it’s something else then do it, and do it well. As for my cycling time line I started with going a mile. I then built confidence in my physical condition, and pushed it to about three miles to a local job everyday back and forth. I later got a job on top of that, and began riding about 10 miles to work daily at about 3 months sober. After accomplishing that distance, I knew my body was up for it and my competitive nature took over. I began doing daily rides ranging from 10-25 miles for a year strait, and did it so much so that the people at my current job didn’t even realize I owned a car. At this point I am looking to do my 1st 100 mile rides this year, and hoping to compete in some endurance races if the pandemic lets them happen…  The last thing that is very, very important is that if you are addicted to drinking specifically, DO NOT go cold turkey without the direct supervision a doctor. If you drink enough and just stop, it can kill you. I have heard other drugs are worse in the actual feelings of quitting, but alcohol detox can be deadly. If you have the ability to get a General Practitioner before hand I also recommend this as you will need help after the detox. Do not be afraid of AA, NA etc. They were my best allies in my darkest fight. Be willing to forgive yourself, and give time for the ones you love to forgive you. It takes time to rebuild trust and just because you had an awakening it does not mean they have. As time heals your body and mind, so does time heal your relationships, be patient it gets allot better I promise.